Searching for Self

Perhaps I can blame it on a young man who posted to his internet social network site that he thought he had perhaps made a bad career move. In my sage lack of wisdom, I suggested that I did not even have a career and did not know who I would be when I grew-up.

Here I am at age 44, still trying to figure out what comes next and why I am not satisfied. It seems to be a more common place for women, empty nesters who also find themselves without their husbands, women struggling to make sense of it all and how on earth to provide for their needs in a style they can imagine with pleasure and peace.  This is not the search for self that so many young adults and senior high school students face everyday as they question, “Who am I?”  before launching into the unknown and freezing dead solid in their parents homes in basements and loft bedrooms across the heartland.

At least I have not spent my time frozen, two feet in solid concrete, I seem to have movement, seasonal phases, cycles like the moon where I go from one dream to the next. The problem is I haven’t got it quite right. I build up momentum, have a great start, and fizzle. This fizzle usually happens when my physical body shouts, STOP!

How I wish my lack of momentum was a question whether to hitchhike America, backpack Europe, take a year off school by exploring the workplace, or pursue a college degree. It is not as simple as making a pro and con list. I have made lists: what works and what doesn’t work. I have trained and re-trained.

Chronic fatigue and a divorce derailed me almost a decade ago; I walked away from a career as managing editor in the trucking industry. Then it was a car accident in 2003 that eventually led to closing my massage practice. In between and since have been long stints as a substitute teacher, and underpaid retail, customer and human service jobs.

The one thing I know, I am creative. The second thing I know, I fear supporting myself by my art. I make tentative steps, dream a little and stop. Here is where I am frozen.

In the coming days I will be exploring this inaction. I will be turning back to abundance concepts. I will build a network of support. Some of those lists-what works-what does not work-It is all going public!


About kimnixon

Upper Peninsula Michigan Artist and Writer

Posted on October 2, 2008, in Abundance, Contours, Holistic Health, Verge and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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