21.5.800–Day Six

(unedited)

Today, I am having a difficult time getting my mind around the fact that it’s already Monday and the middle of June. I cannot possibly be in the middle. Of June. Of any month. I seem to crave the beginnings and dread the middle. Is this a mid-life crisis? Is that where my anxiety stems from?

I feel lost in it all and although I am working on patience, I find myself swearing (not at all like myself) and the only path before me seems to be that to the veggie garden, the bike path, or trails, which I run and hike. Not that these are negative paths. It is just being 46 and not wanting to be in the middle without a clear goal for future…

Futures.

Job.

Career.

Abundance.

Travel.

At least it is not Wednesday. The supposed middle of the week.

But a different future with a different job-slash-career that allows for a big bank account and more travel. And the spur of the moment purchases of retro-wooden-screen doors when nostalgic on weekends for the summer time slam. Or the strong desire for a sand box and swing set in the backyard.

Or a bank account-slash-savings that would allow me to retrain as a yoga instructor, or open that healing center.

I need to be at the beginning of that future.

(Small voice whispers that I am at the beginning of that future).

(Make a pot of coffee, come back to keyboard, and contemplate that beginning.)

Pause for station-identification.

My toes are cold from walking in the wet grasses in the garden where I took more photos today. And a touch of blue-sky ahs popped out over the yard and Lake Superior. Yesterday I told Mike I could see teaching yoga in the yard. That I would be doing some massage and energy healings in the studio upstairs. That’s part of what I have been working on in the mornings, clearing space in the studio and visioning a different future.

Sometimes it is good to work 3pm-11pm as it allows a world of possibilities before the “different” part of the day begins. But it puts a middle into things that causes a pause.

I don’t want to pause my dreams.

I want to live in them and make them happen without pause.

The pause between dream and working 3-11 and coming home to dream, again is not like getting a cup of coffee and wool socks and getting back at it. It is LONGer. It is less. Less. And it drains.

But I get back to here. The postal worker comes with the new photos. They will sell, I tell myself.

I get back to the blogging, writing, editing of words and photos. I get back to the gardens and the commitment to daily yoga. I get back to the healthy morning smoothies and the day I pattern until 3pm. I start to feel like MORE. MORE. More Me.

Until 3pm.

I count the days off work as major blessings. Or like miraculous events in which my creations must meet God’s creations and harmonize.

When at work I sing so God hears me and remembers that I need the miraculous to keep believing.

Have you been here?

Because sometimes I am so alone and in the middle-world.

Of middle month.

Of middle day.

Of middle life.

Like a record player stuck on the turntable repeating, repeating, repeating, I feel as if I am building to the next bar of music and I only remember the first three lines of the chorus and cannot launch into verse two.

Word Count: 600

May the Frog Prince Bless my Dreams!

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About kimnixon

Upper Peninsula Michigan Artist and Writer

Posted on June 14, 2010, in 21.5.800, Abundance and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I believe these is much beauty in the way you write, I can tell you have heart. I am inspired and do not feel alone when I am here reading such things, as the world is very cruel and unloving. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Thank you for sharing your kind words (smiles).

  3. The way you described yourself, at the beginning of something big, is the way I see you. I can see things moving from the distance I’m at. I can see all that you put into it. You waste very little time. It seems to me that you live in the moment. It’s beautiful to watch!

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