Monthly Archives: January 2013
It feels good to be getting back to practices that feed my soul and keep my spirit of optimism thriving. The nourishment I seek will bring back my courage and spontaneity.
If I feed my soul I will not be cowered in a corner by fear. I will not be immobilized by guilt. And I will recognize the people who corner me and strip me bare, quickly.
I am nourishing my psychic sheath known as an aura. I am sealing the energy leaks. I have been taking the steps along the shoreline of my being. I seek the nourishment of pink and green, sparkle and shine.
I seek what makes me whole: love, encouragement, space to hike and walk, slow food, fresh food, friendship and family, travel, the woods, music, the dance of the unusual, and time with my camera.
Have you ever made what was intended to be a temporary move to make-do and it ended up being a 5 year stint? I was a substitute teacher looking to make extra cash while trying to find myself and I ended up working after school with special needs children and adults. Which eventually lead to working for a group home. I’ve been with the company for 5 years, now. And where I’ve grown and discovered new strengths and talents the journey took me far from who I am at the core. At the close of 2012 I realized how far I had drifted. On a drive home from work, tears streaming down my cheeks, I came to the understanding that I would have to find the shoreline and start anew.
There have been people in my daily life that put a certain weight and guilt on my shoulders. And I somehow let it sit long enough to believe that I had to have that weight.
I gave more commitment to sacrifice, to work…
Less was given to keeping myself healthy, fit and sane.
I stopped going to the gym. Instead of multiple hikes a week and impromptu walks, I either worked or prepared for work the next day.
Gone was the monthly massage, journal writing or blog. Trips to the gym. I was losing my optimism. I felt hate in my soul. And I packed on 15 pounds in less than 4 months. I felt panicked. Fear. Depression.
I am drifting back to myself. Trying new directions. In 2013 I shall Transcend.
I am going to ponder on the vision board. and meditate on Jamie Ridler’sprompt, which I actually read after creating this collage, “What are you hungry for under this Full Wolf Moon?” I will journal a bit and sit in silence. Many opportunities are coming my way and I feel a need to listen and focus.
Hope to blog again before or by Wednesday the 30th.
Today I stepped on the scale and weighed in just ounces under 160 pounds. I’ve watched my weight gain with a frown but found it difficult to garner the willpower to fight the numbers.
I lost 60 pounds and kept it off in the face of illness and stress for over two years. But as hip and knee challenges slowed my fitness and I went from running to walking, I misplaced my enthusiasm and my discretion in making choices that benefitted my health. Fatigue set in, and inflammation. I found myself questioning the spiral and amazed at the psyche that was craving M&M’s (that are cursedly gluten free) when my mind once craved a healthy smoothie with spinach.
In 2004 I graduated from massage school and I weighed 204 pounds. My lowest weight was just prior to my diagnosis with Celiac Disease where I had my lowest weight of 141. I understand that Celiac had my body struggling for nourishment, and part of my weight loss was spurred by the disease, but I was journaling my food intake and using measuring cups for portion control. I logged on to SparkPeople.com every day and I tracked the calories I burned in each workout. I ran 3-4 times a week.
Now, I’ve become almost sedentary. I work in a group home where there is a lot of stress. And where I am physical on my job, I find it difficult to get off my butt when I am home. I am struggling. Yet I have the knowledge of past success and how to get that weight coming off once more.
What has stopped me? I am fearful of pain. I have no health insurance. I want to run, but know I need to start at a walk. Yet when I head out to the gym, or trail my body wants that rush of running down the trail.
That number 160—it is unacceptable! I will not continue on this path. I will lose the weight. Today I had a smoothie and a salad. It is a start.