It is October 31st and Halloween is often the closest I get to pausing. I even slept 10 hours last night. Instead of running down trails, I cleaned the studio. I am moving into hibernation mode. Preparing for NaNoWriMO. Cleaning the studio. Gathering acorns…or art supplies.
But really the one thing on my mind that took priority over all, was seeing this little Grand Baby Boy on Halloween! This is Liam my two-year-old Grandson. I do not see him enough. I am not the grandmother I planned to be. But I am determined to be more involved. To know more of his world.
My mind is quiet when I am with Liam. I focus only on him. Oh and a bit on my daughter–Ceiri’s interactions with Liam are amazing. She is a wonderful Mommie!
When I visit I feel so blessed and I am in awe and wonder. Even listening to Liam blow full force into a recorder playing only high notes! Even a Liam who is stuck on the word–NO. I am in a gentle time of life where I can let things be, observe and learn just by watching.
When I was a young mommie I had three toddlers under four years of age. I was in constant motion. I was young, impatient. And life seemd hard. I was not the mommie I wanted to be.
I can do better, now.
As Grandma Kim.
It’s all very strange, each year I get a bit older. I end up working with women who were once in my Junior Girl Scout Troop or working along side students I have had in class. This January I will be forty-five years old. I am a mother of three wonderful adult children and grandmother to two.
I live my life very open and it sounds cliché but I tell everyone I am an open book, everyone knows my life. But, I am becoming more cognizant of the secrets I do have. There are simple statements of joy that I repress as they may cause others pain. So in the respect of those people I keep silent.
That silence reminds me of the days of abuse. My life prior to becoming an adult was a life of fear. I was a runaway to avoid my own home. I did not tell teachers, law enforcement, or counselors of that abuse until I was safely beyond the abuse. I dealt with the truths of my childhood years later after having children of my own.
So, yesterday, I was asked where a woman could turn to for help–No insurance–Not on welfare–But in need of counseling. I thought of the weekly headlines announcing cuts to mental health services in Marquette and Alger County and I knew that odds of finding services were very slim. I had to give some hope so I suggested the Women’s Center.
As my hands age, lines become deeper. As my hair grays, and wrinkles around my eyes fan out, they suggest wisdom. As I enter the next phase of my life, I am getting more outspoken of secrets. I don’t want to live contrary to my own cliché, “My life is an open book.”
This has been a year of taking photos, and in many ways photography is easier as my writing has always been a bit autobiographical whether poetry, fiction, or memoir. Even non-fiction articles have a strong “I voice.” The words that would rise to the surface felt like words I could not say, write, or share. I avoided my writing. I picked up a camera.
In the coming year I will write more. It is not that I regret picking up a camera-I love digital photography and I will be pursuing that strongly, too. But it is time to return to the page.
It is with sadness that I say goodbye to October. I am feeling melancholy even with these two powerful felines to brighten my day. I have had mood swings. I did not follow through with a deadline for my writing which will leave me out of the next issue of Health and Happiness. Yet, I had many photos juried into the Marquette Arts and Cultural gift store. I did not get my Halloween decorations up, nor did I get my grandson a card. But I did give him a tiny pumpkin weeks ago.
Why did today become, one of those days? The beauty of my walk on Presque Isle, the good news of acceptance, the evening spent watching my grandson play–these are GOOD things. Instead I am thinking of where I have dropped the ball. What I have not done or accomplished. How I want to be a larger part of my daughter and grandson’s life. How I want to take my writing more seriously.
I will not go gently into the goodnight of winter. I need to connect more with family. I need to organize my family and artistic work against the demands of my job(s). May my blessings be counted while I reach to better my heart.