I wish to work under old growth hemlocks in nature with my camera, recording the health of woods and waters.
I wish to work on community, local food issues, and help people find better health.
I want to work on connections and increase my commitment.
I want to transcend past fear and worry of inadequacy.
I wish to create a job that fits my lifestyle, rather than having to fit my life to my job.
You too can be a Wishcaster by joining others at Jamie Ridler’s website!
It feels good to be getting back to practices that feed my soul and keep my spirit of optimism thriving. The nourishment I seek will bring back my courage and spontaneity.
If I feed my soul I will not be cowered in a corner by fear. I will not be immobilized by guilt. And I will recognize the people who corner me and strip me bare, quickly.
I am nourishing my psychic sheath known as an aura. I am sealing the energy leaks. I have been taking the steps along the shoreline of my being. I seek the nourishment of pink and green, sparkle and shine.
I seek what makes me whole: love, encouragement, space to hike and walk, slow food, fresh food, friendship and family, travel, the woods, music, the dance of the unusual, and time with my camera.
Have you ever made what was intended to be a temporary move to make-do and it ended up being a 5 year stint? I was a substitute teacher looking to make extra cash while trying to find myself and I ended up working after school with special needs children and adults. Which eventually lead to working for a group home. I’ve been with the company for 5 years, now. And where I’ve grown and discovered new strengths and talents the journey took me far from who I am at the core. At the close of 2012 I realized how far I had drifted. On a drive home from work, tears streaming down my cheeks, I came to the understanding that I would have to find the shoreline and start anew.
There have been people in my daily life that put a certain weight and guilt on my shoulders. And I somehow let it sit long enough to believe that I had to have that weight.
I gave more commitment to sacrifice, to work…
Less was given to keeping myself healthy, fit and sane.
I stopped going to the gym. Instead of multiple hikes a week and impromptu walks, I either worked or prepared for work the next day.
Gone was the monthly massage, journal writing or blog. Trips to the gym. I was losing my optimism. I felt hate in my soul. And I packed on 15 pounds in less than 4 months. I felt panicked. Fear. Depression.
I am drifting back to myself. Trying new directions. In 2013 I shall Transcend.
I am going to ponder on the vision board. and meditate on Jamie Ridler’sprompt, which I actually read after creating this collage, “What are you hungry for under this Full Wolf Moon?” I will journal a bit and sit in silence. Many opportunities are coming my way and I feel a need to listen and focus.
Hope to blog again before or by Wednesday the 30th.
Today I stepped on the scale and weighed in just ounces under 160 pounds. I’ve watched my weight gain with a frown but found it difficult to garner the willpower to fight the numbers.
I lost 60 pounds and kept it off in the face of illness and stress for over two years. But as hip and knee challenges slowed my fitness and I went from running to walking, I misplaced my enthusiasm and my discretion in making choices that benefitted my health. Fatigue set in, and inflammation. I found myself questioning the spiral and amazed at the psyche that was craving M&M’s (that are cursedly gluten free) when my mind once craved a healthy smoothie with spinach.
In 2004 I graduated from massage school and I weighed 204 pounds. My lowest weight was just prior to my diagnosis with Celiac Disease where I had my lowest weight of 141. I understand that Celiac had my body struggling for nourishment, and part of my weight loss was spurred by the disease, but I was journaling my food intake and using measuring cups for portion control. I logged on to SparkPeople.com every day and I tracked the calories I burned in each workout. I ran 3-4 times a week.
Now, I’ve become almost sedentary. I work in a group home where there is a lot of stress. And where I am physical on my job, I find it difficult to get off my butt when I am home. I am struggling. Yet I have the knowledge of past success and how to get that weight coming off once more.
What has stopped me? I am fearful of pain. I have no health insurance. I want to run, but know I need to start at a walk. Yet when I head out to the gym, or trail my body wants that rush of running down the trail.
That number 160—it is unacceptable! I will not continue on this path. I will lose the weight. Today I had a smoothie and a salad. It is a start.
The month of December was the most challenging month of 2012 for me and my families. After wok on December 30th I took to the deep woods for renewal and although the light was low I captured this image of reflection on the Dead River in Marquette, Michigan. I tromped thru the snow and reconnected to my soul.
Events have caused some energy leaks in my spiritual sheath, often referred to as our aura. At the end of the work-day (at what I refer to as my day-job), I’m not happy with the person I was during that 8 or 12 hour shift. It has brought me to my knees in tears. I keep bargaining with myself that I can do this, and over and over again I find bitterness poisoning the positive and healing I strive to be.
In reflection, I know where I’ve been and where I long to be so I am looking around the bend in the river. My theme word for 2013 is Transcend.
Along with the 12 wishes listed below I also wish for new inspiration with my blogging.
1. I wish for divine guidance and clear direction on a new path/career.
2. I wish to release the worry and fear that has caused panic attacks this year.
3. I wish to rededicate to my weight loss and fitness goals.
4. I wish for medical insurance and greater healing in 2013 (and beyond) without amassing debt.
5. I wish to afford my alternative health care treatments, massage, healing touch, chiropractic and other modalities.
6. I wish to attend trainings that further my career and lifestyle goals.
7. I wish to travel more often.
8. I wish for new direction in my photography and the opportunity to go on photo shoots more often.
9. I wish for more time outdoors in nature.
10. I wish to increase my earnings in 2013 (and beyond).
11. I wish to pay down debt and increase my savings.
12. I wish for a new car that can take me on photo-adventures safely and efficiently.
You too can join others in Wishcasting on Wednesdays at Jamie Ridler’s website.
Driving home from a 6-day vacation in Minnesota I realized just how healthy and relaxed I felt. I never had a panic attack. I never broke out in a rash. I had taken the time to do daily tasks such as fetching water and wood. Slowing down the movements of my life and being present in each moment I allowed for the surprise of beauty to present itself around every corner. But most importantly I did not have to live up to anyone’s expectations of me.
I am happy with who I am. I love me. The man I travel with is an easy traveler and my best friend.
I know who I am. At that moment travelling in the car back to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan I tuned in deeply to the “place” I found within me, to the awarenesses that had surfaced.
I vowed to rebuild a life that nourished my soul, mind, body!
(more to come)
I like changing the cover photo on my Facebook page, often. Lately, this has taken the direction of adding text to images taken that day. I will be out with my camera and start framing an image in my mind. In framing the image prior to capture I remember that my profile photo will take a portion of the left hand side of the cover photo. I adjust for this almost automatically, now.
What many do not know about my history as writer and photographer is I created a website for trucking families on my graduation from Northern Michigan University in 1997. The website was homeroad.com and I ran the website from my living room near Gwinn, Michigan. I eventually sold the website to layover.com and came on board as their managing editor. With layover.com, I traveled as a photojournalist taking photos with the ‘company camera’ at truck shows in Dallas, Las Vegas, and Louisville. This was my first experience as a photographer in a professional manner. I knew absolutely nothing, but I was developing an eye for what worked, what drew interest, and fell in love with color, light, and contrasts.
Life threw me some curve balls and due to a divorce, I walked away from my life in trucking to work on healing my soul. I worked as an AmeriCorps worker in Gwinn schools, attended massage school, and returned to my interest of nutrition and natural foods. Along with healing, came a new relationship to a man who hiked trails with a camera. On hikes, I would bring along a disposable camera and click carelessly exhausting my 27 images long before the end of hikes. I eventually purchased a digital point and shoot, then a bridge camera, and finally a big girl DSLR. I was discovering a new genre, photography.
Love of the trails led to becoming a trail runner. I often ran with a camera. But as I healed my soul, and gained fitness, I also began collapsing after races. Irony, as I healed my soul I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, Celiac Disease. Try as I may to heal my body I was reaching roadblocks. I now had to learn to listen on a deep internal level to the needs of my health. I stepped away from running the trails and back to hiking with my camera.
As this autumn approaches, I am feeling the strength of brining my journey to others, to bring words, photos, and story together to help heal others thru my experiences.